How We Would Fix Matt Harvey

Harvey Should Take a Florida Vacation

Who even knows what’s wrong with Harvey right now? Could be fatigue, injury, confidence, lack of rhythm, but there’s one cure for all ills: beach vacay! The team can come up with something — his foot hurts, his head hurts, hangnail, whatever — and send him down to St. Lucie, where he can take a week just sipping Mai Tais and listening to the sounds of the ocean. There are supermodels in Florida, right? Never mind. Moving on, Harvey can follow up some serious R-and-R by summarily destroying the poor, hapless hitters of the A-ball Florida State League (simultaneously reuniting with batterymate d’Arnaud, cue the heartfelt swells of music). Fatigue? Rested. Bruised ego? Boosted. Next step: striding back onto the Citi Field mound in slow motion as the crowd goes wild. — Maggie Wiggin (@maggie162)

Harvey Should Take a Weekend Road Trip With Bartolo Colón

It’s just two men sitting in a car, driving toward nowhere. The front-seat passenger, somewhat sullen and mopey, stares out the window as they roll through scenic upstate New York. With the Hudson River as their copilot, they drive for so many reasons and yet none at all. They have no firm destination, save to escape the pressures that have befallen the man riding shotgun, this star of New York City. The driver, an older guy and a jovial sort, has been through all this and so much more during his years on the job. He can fix him — he knows he can — so they drive, to get away from it all. So Matt Harvey can get back to the mindset he’s temporarily misplaced. So Bartolo Colón can get him there. And just maybe they’ll drink some fine wines along the way, perhaps gets into some zany misadventures, what have you.

Finally, Harvey looks at Colón, who doesn’t divert his eyes from the road. “And no, Bart,” he says, turning back to the window and the world flying by. “I am not drinking any fucking Merlot.” — Erik Malinowski (@erikmal)

Harvey Should Hold a Press Conference

In May 2013, Matt Harvey and his “Dark Knight of Gotham” nickname made the cover of Sports Illustrated. That July, Harvey (nearly all of him) appeared in ESPN Magazine’s Body Issue. After missing 2014 with Tommy John surgery, Harvey’s 2015 began not at Spring Training, but at Derek Jeter’s Player Tribune, where he pronounced himself New York City Bureau Chief. Last September, Harvey contradicted his general manager’s expectations by setting a hard, 180-inning cap on his season — even if the pitcher later reversed course to throw 55 quality innings during the stretch run and playoffs.

Thousands of pitchers have been bad at Major League Baseball. It takes a special confluence of factors to transform poor performance into controversy, to flip the switch from publicity to notoriety. The most important factor in Harvey’s case has been his decision to argue with those who buy ink by the barrel. When Harvey declined to speak with the media after his latest disaster start, reporters, bloggers and columnists (if not the team’s captain) took him to task.

Harvey should schedule a press conference. Tell the team to set up one mic on the dais and a second one, centrally located, among the press corps. When the media contingent has arrived, Harvey should thank them for coming and open the floor for their valued suggestions on how he can improve his performance. [Cue crickets.] — Scott D. Simon (@scottdsimon)

Harvey Should Change his Warm-Up Music DJ Consultant

If he’s to get out of his slump, Matt Harvey needs to see a new professional. A professional DJ, that is. Prior to the home opener, Harvey revealed that he consulted a DJ friend of his for New York-themed warm-up songs. But with his performance thus far, it’s safe to say that the choices produced by the collaboration (they don’t appear on the team’s music page) have not done the trick. As a music writer myself, Mr. Harvey, may I provide a suggestion?

With tracks by The Notorious B.I.G. and Jay Z used during last year’s World Series, another New York City rap great is needed. Cam’ron and The Knocks released a spoken-word homage to the city titled “New York City,” where some lines prove apt for his current situation (“See, the love isn’t unconditional”) and the heights he hopes to reach again (“If you’re ahead of the game, it’s you they epitomize”). The pianos might not signal warm-up hype, but maybe a jolt of the cerebral is exactly what Harvey needs.

Speaking of pianos, the adrenaline-inducing staccato of LCD Soundsystem’s “All My Friends” should inspire great performances (not to mention be a more positive alternative than “New York, I Love You but You’re Bringing Me Down”). The band is an NYC institution and, at the very worst, Harvey’s playlist would be the first adorned with a Best New Music tag. — Brian Duricy (@briansusername_)

Harvey Should Eat a Snickers

It’s between innings; Harvey, who’s managed to pitch three without imploding, is about to bound out to the mound for the top of the fourth. Before he does, Bartolo beckons him over to his corner of the dugout, whispers in his ear, hands him a small package. Fade to black.

Cut to the end of the game — Mets victory! Harvey throwing what actually looked like a fastball into the eighth inning! Harvey, happy to saunter into a press conference in this state, is besieged with the question: “How did you get your mojo back?”

Harvey, looking deep into the camera says, “it was my secret weapon.” He pulls out a Snickers wrapper, uncrumples it and winks. “You know, because ‘you’re not you when you’re hungry’?”

The press in a chorus of incredulity –“A candy bar?”  “Scoff all you want,” says Harvey, full of vigor now.

“How do you think Bartolo stays so good?”  As if on cue, the Bat signal illuminates the sky over Citi Field. — Sara Novic (@NovicSara)

Harvey Should Move to the Bullpen

With the recent struggles of Antonio Bastardo, the Mets lack a clear 7th Inning Guy. Sure, there’s Jim Henderson vs. righties and Jerry Blevins vs. lefties, but you need a 7th Inning Guy now, the dude designated to pitch the 7th with a one- to three-run lead, and maybe occasionally in tie games at home. It’s clear now who that man should be: Matt Harvey.

Harvey has been one of the worst starters in baseball, but per Anthony DiComo, he’s only allowing a triple-slash of .241/.292/.373 the first time through the order. That’s really good! So let’s limit him to facing batters only once. One of the best bullpens in baseball will become even better, and heck, Zack Wheeler’s only like a month away. It’ll fix Matt Harvey and make room for Wheeler. What a maneuver! — Jarrett Seidler (@jaseidler)

Harvey Should Wear a deGrom Wig

Jacob deGrom has said he keeps his hair long because it distracts hitters. After a lot of soul searching, maybe Matt Harvey decided he needed the extra edge, as he enters a local wig shop.

“Can I get a wig that will make my hair longer in the back?”

A minute later the wig maker comes back with a wig of shoulder length, perfectly straight hair.

“Will this really work?” Harvey asks himself. He shakes his head back and forth, admiring his hair in the mirror. “Can a perfect head of hair distract hitters? No…just think of Jacob’s mop.”

He turns to the wig maker and says “I need it poofier. POOFIER! Like it’s coming OUT from my EARS!”

“Oh, I have just the thing. It’s like a hairpiece you stick on the side of your head. Normally it comes with a bald cap…”

“Can I stick it under my baseball cap?”

“Of course sir. bobby pins are magical.”

“Great! Just one more question…why is this wig green?”

“You mean you aren’t looking to finish your Krusty the Clown costume? Wow, you ballplayers are superstitious.” — Noah Grand (@noahgrand)

Harvey Should Re-Brand as Matthew

Matt Harvey stared blankly at the office wall.

/thwack/ “…line drive base hit to left.”

/crack/ “…and that’s over the fence for a three-run homer.

Another rocky outing for Harvey, and he looks like he’s out of answers out there.”

These thoughts raced through Harvey’s mind as he waited for the meeting with his agent, Scott Boras. Once Boras was ready to meet with him, he could finally stop thinking about his struggles for a moment, if only to talk to someone else.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be Matt Harvey again,” he muttered as he looked at some charts.

Boras was undeterred. “That doesn’t matter. You don’t have to worry about that. Maybe that Matt Harvey will never come back. But you know whose best we haven’t seen yet? Matthew Harvey.”

Harvey looked up, confused. “What… what do you mean?”

Boras pointed out that there had never been a famous “Matthew” in baseball history. There were Matts a-plenty as well as Eddie Mathews and Christy Mathewson, but Matthew? This was something fresh entirely.

“It’s time for a re-brand, Matt. It’s worked before. Just look to Miami. Giancarlo Stanton’s career really took off after he dropped the Mike.”

Harvey blinked. The pun was awful, but Boras might have a point. Matt Harvey’s career was over, but Matthew Harvey’s was just beginning. — Andrew Mearns (@MearnsPSA)

Harvey Should Learn a Cutter

Since 2012, Matt Harvey has maintained a steady repertoire. He’s complemented his headlining four-seam fastball with a curveball/slider/changeup mix. These pitches powered his healthy and productive years. He rode them to 12.5 WARP over two full and one partial season. In 2013, Harvey posted a 1.93 DRA with this repertoire, the best in the National League. These four pitches helped him strike out a batter when he needed, and often when he didn’t. They’ve also been tough to handle for opposing hitters; when Harvey allowed a ball in play, they used to rarely fly over the fence. Although Harvey’s pitch-mix has stayed the same in 2016, their effectiveness abandoned him. Harvey’s pitches are struck more frequently than they used to be, and they’re also hit a little more authoritatively. It might be time to introduce something new to liven things up. Maybe a fresh face can help bring Harvey back — as good as new, but with an added twist. Perhaps it’s time for Matt Harvey to learn a cutter. — Eric Garcia McKinley (@garcia_mckinley)